A Tale of Middle School Bullying
Courtesy of Anne
It’s never too late to say you’re sorry.
…
On Wednesday night, I had dinner with an old friend from middle school. We hadn’t seen or talked to each other since I moved away after 7th grade – over 15 years! Through a random friend in common showing her my blog, she saw I was back in the area and emailed a couple weeks ago asking if I’d like to meet up for dinner. It was fun seeing her – one of those “So… what the hell have you been up to for the past 15 years?” sort of dinners. We had a blast reminiscing about old memories, gossiping about what our other friends were up to now, and catching up on each other’s current lives.
And then, just as we were finishing dinner and drinks, she turned to me. “There’s actually another reason I wanted to meet up with you tonight,” she said. I waited, confused. “Do you remember…” she paused, looking uncomfortable. “That note in your locker?”
Did I remember? How could I forget.
…
My family moved around a lot when I was growing up. In 2nd and 3rd grade, I lived here in the D.C. area. I made an amazing group of friends, including the girl I met for dinner on Wednesday. I was devastated when my parents told me we were moving again at the end of the year, and I would have to leave all my best friends behind.
Flash forward to 7th grade – we moved back to D.C. and I could not have been more thrilled. My friends threw a surprise welcome back/birthday party for me, and I felt like I was finally home again.
But things had changed, as they often do at that age for groups of girls. There were a couple new girls in the group that I didn’t know. You wouldn’t know it meeting me now, but back then I was actually really shy. A few months into the school year, the new girls decided that for whatever reason they didn’t like me. And if they didn’t like me, that meant no one else could, not even all my former best friends. I’m sure some of you can relate to what happened then. I remember everyone avoiding me. I remember sitting down at lunch tables only to have everyone get up and leave.
And then there was the note.
One day during school, I opened my locker to find a note lying on the floor. Passing notes was very popular back then (I assume replaced by text messages nowadays), so I was excited, assuming it was some gossipy tidbit from a friend. I opened it. And I was paralyzed by what I read. The note was hastily scribbled and said something along the lines of:
Die. Nobody likes you.
I know this might seem silly now, but to a 7th grade girl, getting a note like this was the end of the world. I vividly remember just standing there, staring at the note, reading it over and over again. My heart started beating faster and I felt the blood rushing to my face. I had no idea what to do. Was anyone watching? Were they waiting for my reaction? Should I just close the locker and leave? The note wasn’t signed. I had no idea who had written it, but I figured the new girls were behind it. I don’t remember if it was the end of the day, and I was able to go to home and cry in peace. I don’t remember if it was just before first period, and I had to sit in class all day with my head down, wondering who else knew about this ultimate shame. But I do remember how I felt. And I felt horrible. And betrayed. And sure that nothing would ever be good again.
…
And then, on Wednesday night, my friend told me that she was the one who wrote that note so many years ago. She had asked me to dinner because she wanted to say she was sorry.
She said she has thought about that note often over the years and cringed at the fact that she had done something so horrible. She said she regrets writing it, and that she didn’t even really know why she did it. It wasn’t that she didn’t like me. She did. We were friends. It was probably just that she was trying to look cool.
This post is not meant to make my friend (and yes, I still call her a friend) feel bad. On the contrary – I’m impressed that she had the courage to apologize, so many years later, for something that I didn’t even know she was behind. It’s clearly water under the bridge now, and as I told her last night, I know that peer pressure and wanting to be cool makes girls do and say stupid, mean things. I don’t blame her for wanting to fit in. I know now that she didn’t really mean what she wrote.
But I didn’t know that then.
It’s sad how common it is for girls to put other girls down to make themselves feel better or look cool. I’m certainly not immune to the pressure – I’m sure I’ve snubbed others (thought not nearly this harshly, I’d hope) in the past, too, in an effort to impress others. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay.
I’m hoping that by writing this post and sharing my story, it will encourage others,especially those that might still be going through those hard middle school and junior high years, to really THINK about how your actions will affect others. Looking cool is not worth making others feel badly. Obviously I’m very happy now, and made a great new group of friends in high school, but it doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget about that note or how it made me feel.
And to those of you that are the current victims of bullying – know that you are NOT alone. It will get better. I promise.
…
I decided that the perfect way to end all of this was with another note, left on the bathroom mirror at school yesterday and inspired by my friend Caitlin’s wonderful Operation Beautiful movement. In fact, I wrote two notes. But this time – they were happy.
Please feel free to share your own stories in the comments. Have you ever been the victim of or the instigator of any bullying? I’d love to hear your stories, too. It’s never too late to come clean, after all.
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I had a very similar thing happen to me. I didn’t receive a note in my locker, but there was stuff written about me in the bathroom. Still don’t know who wrote it, although I have my suspicions. I think it made me stronger, but it still hurt. A lot.
I was the victim of many bullying scenarios over the years, most of which stopped in high school. I was overweight and my self esteem levels took a dive in middle school. Of all the places, I think that junior high is the worst place for girls in general, because everything’s so awkward and kids will make fun of and say anything sometimes…I just wanted you to know that this post made me tear up a little bit (mostly at the end when you put up a new note!) Thanks for touching my heart today!
ps: glad you made up with your friend. She must be a wonderful person to admit to something that could have been forgotten…
Something very similar happened to me. My best friend wrote a vulgar and mean message in my yearbook. It still hurts to think about it, but I have learned to forgive and move on with my life. Even though the moving on part took a lot longer than I wanted it to. Anyway, Operation Beautiful has only finalized my decision to move on and spread love and joy to all the fun femmes around me. I might even have some love to give to that ex best friend of mine.
I hope this does not come across as taking joy from your pain, but I just wanted to say that I am SO GLAD you wrote this. First, it makes me feel less alone that I was one who was bullied pretty constantly for awhile, and it also makes me feel really grateful that the bullying I experienced never at least outright told me to die. It is really amazing that the girl was able to admit to it and apologize so many years later.
My best friend (ever since I was 2yrs old) decided to bail out on me after I got a lead in our Middle school play. She posted on my facebook wall that I didn’t deserve the role and that I was stupid. I was hurt so bad. My eyes couldn’t even fill up with tears, only pain. How could someone I was so close to just bail out on me? She used to come to my house everyday, and we would laugh, joke around, and have a ball. Now she hasn’t come to my house for 6 months. The last time I saw her in my home was when she needed a cup of sugar. (We live two houses away from each other). It took me a long time to realize that I don’t need people who can just toss me like last summer’s favorite boots out of their lives. She just facebooked me saying she was sorry. It took me awhile to say I accepted her apology. Hopefully we can get to a better place, may that be being able to say hello to each other in the halls, or friends. But I know we will never be as close as we were before ever again.
I just came across this today and as a mother who struggled with this sort of thing throughout jr. high, I’m determined to have things different for my daughters, one of whom is in middle school right now.
My plan is to show her this and see if she doesn’t want to embark on a mission at her middle school! It is so important for that age group – any age group really, but definitely that one, to hear as many positives about themselves as possible!
For every one negative a child needs to hear at the very least 15 positives for that one negative to not sting so bad.
Thanks,
Garsy
Oh my, you are such a good person… To be able to forgive somebody for such a horrible thing!
I’m glad you posted this blog. It feels great to know there’s wonderful people out there.
I, myself, have never been the victim of heavy bullying, but I know that it must hurt. Badly.
My thoughts go out to you. <3
Read this while ironically listening to 3 Doors Down’s Let Me Be Myself. I was bullied in my 7/8 grade year (I skipped a year after a whole week of 7th grade). The skipping a grade made me a target for bullying, as did being one of the few white girls in a predominantly black school. I was hit for sitting in the wrong seat in science class. I remember it so clearly, like it was yesterday, and it’s been 20 years. Damn, I hadn’t realized it had been that long. But that shows something. 20 years later, I still remember the cruel, hurtful things the other girls I went to school with said and did. I had girls in my English class tell me they wanted me to “go back where I came from” and they were beyond happy when they found out I was moving away at the end of the year.
I have a son who is 7th grade right now, and he is wonderfully, blissfully ignorant of what others think of him for the most part. He feels that being cool is overrated and pointless. I pray that he keeps that attitude throughout the rest of his years in school. He is amazing at letting the teasing and rude comments roll off his back. I worry about his 4th grade sister. I’m terrified of what’s going to happen when she hits middle school. I’m trying now to make sure that she has a good sense of herself, and has the confidence and self esteem to survive the living hell that is middle school.
Wow. I vividly remember being bullied in middle and high school, which was over 20 years ago. Those painful memories of being taunted and tormented for fun by others have stayed with me for all of these years. I wonder if they even remember making my life so miserable? I think this has been why I am so sensitive towards the feelings of others. Words and actions can be worse than bullets.
Something kinda of like that happened to me, but it wasnt something bad. I was wished Merry Christmas and was given an Old Navy gift card. It wasnt by the school, and I still dont know who gave it to me, but whoever did sure did make the new girl (me) smile.
Same thing used to happen to my younger brother in junior high. We would talk about it. I felt sorry for him, but didn’t understand. My friends and I were popular. Why wasn’t he? He was cute, athletic, smart, yet he would clear a room just by walking into it. I saw it firsthand. He never showed any emotion about it, but the few times we talked about it, I could see he was hurting. I just didn’t understand and inside I blamed him, although I never told him that. 20 years later, he’s still smart and cute, and openly gay. He never came across as effeminate, but I wonder if the students shunned him because they “sensed” something different about him. He always had strong moral character–often, those are the types of students who get picked on because they feel less a need to “fit in.” Anyway, my brother and I were talking about old times, and we mentioned his being ostracized in high school. He told me he found out years later that a rumor had been going on about him since the 7th grade that he was a “male prostitute.” My prudish bookworm brother! When I thought about it, I think I’d rather be bullied physically than be the brunt of vicious rumors. I’m amazed how well my brother has handled such a childhood. He makes me proud. Takes a lot of moral strength to be able to be a happy, descent person when you experience such adversity in one’s formative years. Mature beyond his years. I think that’s why he was so vilified.
I was bullied in school for being smart and good-looking. Vicious rumours would circulate by people I’d never even met. I was accused of pushing my chest out to get attention and I lost friends when their boyfriends started liking me. I never knew all of this at the time because the bullying was so bad I believed I was ugly and worthless. It took years to develop a strong sense of myself and not worry about others’ opinions but I did it, with God’s help. In the process I realised some things that have made me stronger: Nobody hates you when you’re pathetic, ugly, stupid or worthless. Instead, people hate you when you’re pretty, smart, different and potentially powerful. The best thing you can do is take the power of people like that away by showing you are greater than them and not sinking to their level. Better to risk harm than reputation. The first can be remedied more easily than the second.
My “best friends” often talk to me like i’m just a piece of crap:/
Sometimes I feel like I’m just not good enough to be anyones friend!
One of my friends has written me notes when she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Like : “I have to leave planet (my name)!” “I’m sick of you being mean to me!” It’s like my friends dont even notice if they are hurting my feelings either, I mean at least I can admit it! My other close one tells me that people always tell her I lie alot! I dont! She always says that she promised them that she wouldnt tell me who, probably becuz they are to scared:) I have my suspicions about my friends talking about me behind my back. I mean I’m smart enough to tell when they are acting weird or hiding something. My heart goes out to you Caitlin!
Sometimes I want to tell my friends that we need to end instead of them telling me. I dont get mad easily but I cry myself to sleep sometimes, and they complain about them crying about how they treated me.
Sorry if it seems like I’m just being dramatic… I mean I’m used to it, like being called annoying, bossy, dramatic, and I always get told I have to much attitude and stuff like that:P
Well thanks for reading:)
This website is a dream.
Check out Mean Stinks on Facebook, Shellie – maybe you and your friends can do it?
Okay thank you!
I’m a freshman in high school. I am currently dealing with friends bullying me for a reason I am still unsure of. People like that are only jealous, or they are living miserable lives and feel like they need to make someone else’s life miserable as well. What’s best is to just shake it off and not let those girls get to you. It is going to seem bad, and like it is is getting worse. I still cannot see the “light at the end of the tunnel.” However, I know it will get better. Thank you for this post. It was very inspiring.
Ugh. I am so sorry!!! Remember you can choose your friends!
I wish the people who bullied me were girls and they would realize that what they did was wrong. But the people who bully me are boys. Stupid STUPID middle school boys. We call the the lax bros … for the fact that they are the rulers of the boy kingdom because they play laccross. It’s a stupid thing to think, that just one sport can put you higher up on the social pyramid. They would tell me every single day that I was worthless piece of crap and tell me to just die … They also noted that they would be happier if I died. Yes, death and suicide were in my thoughts a lot. They were just so mean! I had no control over them because I was a krill and they were the big mean sharks. I had no power. I was the one who LOVED school and learning and the social atmosphere. But once 7th grade hit, I hated waking up in the morning. On weekends I would hide myself in my room with the lights off and just cry. The teachers had no idea this was happening, but I’m sure that if they did, they wouldn’t care. I was miserable. Now its summer… and I thought “Yay! No more bullies!” … I was sadly mistaken. Facebook is a place where people who are scared to go up in person to do something… so they write it on their wall. My wall, on the last day of school… well I had to delete it all so I wouldn’t draw attention. I got home and I was a little late because I helped my HR teacher clean up her room; it wasn’t that long, maybe 15 minutes. I got home and I had over 100 notifications that were all from this kid. Writing on my wall, commenting on my pictures saying I’m ugly. I deleted it. I deleted all of it. My friends never knew. My parents and family members never knew. It was fine. But they had said it. I could delete it into cyberspace but that wouldn’t take away from the things they said. I hated my life and myself and everything about it. A product from this bullying was cutting and that is now my addiction. Minor eating disorders came from them calling me fat. And that’s something that I still live with. My parents don’t even know. Bullying has taught me that people will never be who they say they are… they’re just mean and stupid. That’s it. You have to find real friends who have been put in similar situations as you… and keep them for good. Once I find one of those friends… then I guess I’ll be happy. Bullying hurts. If you’re a bully, then stop. Just please stop. It’s killing the soul in the person’s heart that you’re saying too.
But let me tell you… as terribly that I felt, I never missed the chance to put sticky notes up in the bathroom mirrors and stalls every day. I had to put them up to cover the things they said about me in the stalls… But if I could make someone’s day better… then I did my job.
YOU ARE WONDERFUL. You are worth it and these silly bullies are NOT.
Actually just last year I was bullied. I was in 7th grade, now I’m in 8th. I was sitting with my friend Bianca and we were talking and she gave me a pack of gum. Her “friend” Tiffany came up to her and asked her for a piece. She said ask Taylor. So Tiffany asked me and I laughed and said no. It was obvoious that we werent friends. Then she told me I had no friends. I just laughed and said that I have many friends. Then she told me to name them. I did. Biggest mistake. Every person I named she said that they werent friends with me. I do have friends. I am nice. I am pretty. She had no reason to bully me. I bothered me somewhat. SO i just thought that she only did that to boost her self confidence. So that made me feel better.
I was actually a bully a while back, but the story starts in 5th grade. I was part of a friendship with 4 other girls, and we had so much fun together.We said we were BFFEs, best friends forever and ever. Then in sixth grade, I met some other girls who were in my class, and they were, to be honest, more popular, prettier, taller, more athletic, gossiped more, and were downright mean to other people. But not me, because I had become their “friend”. The worst thing was that I abandoned my other friends, and even pretended that I barely knew them. That was the worst, and when I did it I didnt even know why. My two new ‘friends’ didnt like them, so I did it without even thinking. Then at the end of last year (I was finishing 8th grade) one of the girls in my group signed my yearbook. Our relationship isnt what it was, and we both seem to act like it never existed. Both of us have new friends now. But what she wrote was “Have a good summer! -(name) BFFE?” That hurt. I never thought about anybody but myself through all of that, and I cant believe that I never thought that I had hurt them. I was stupid, and now I know that I was probably the most evil girl ever to them. I wish I could say sorry to them, but I dont know how. I know they remember it, but i am scared to bring it up. Can you guys help me?
If you regret your behavior, I think you should write them a note or email and say that you’re sorry – it shows a lot of STRENGTH and BEAUTY that you could do that! It’s so powerful to ask for forgiveness. It will mean a lot to them – and to you, too.
Thank you for posting this. I am in my 30′s, but was bullied during junior high and high school. I was overweight, and was the target of many different people. Each day brought something new, and there were many days when I couldn’t force myself to go to school. I missed a LOT of school because of it. I knew then that the people doing the bullying had their own issues, but it didn’t make it any easier to deal with. The memories have stuck with me all these days, and I would love for someone from back then to say sorry.
I became a target for bulling in elementary school. I had ADHD and couldn’t control my anger. I hated going to school. Middle school was the worst three years of my life. The bulling was worse and I was even sexually harassed. I would pretend to be sick as many times as I could. My bullies were all guys, plus four girls. I was called so many names. Just remembering those times hurts. I entered high school and it stop. They stopped calling me names and they think that means I’ll forgive them. I will never forget what they did…
My 10th grade year I had two extremely close friends. They were sisters to me. (Being an only child they were the closest thing I had to siblings) We made another friend that was a year younger then us. This girl was loud and annoyed me a lot. At the beginning of the summer I had a fight with the new girl. I had had enough of her. My friendship with my closest friends became rocky. They still wanted to be friends with her, but I wanted nothing to do with her. My best friend since fourth grade came over and spent the night at my house. I told her that I still wanted to be her friend I just didn’t want to be friends will the new girl anymore. The day after she went home I got an offline im from her. She didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I was so confused and hurt. I texted her begging for an answer. She said her friend with me was the reason her life was messed up and she was better off without me as a friend. I was so confused and hurt. Not long after My other close friend sent me a im yelling at me for being anti-social and she didn’t need someone like me near her younger siblings. She said she was going to block me. I was hurt and mad. I had tried so many times to talk to her and she hadn’t given any effort. I deleted her fro my contacts. Some how she found out and sent me another message, saying that I was running away and I had to apologies to her and my friend since fourth grade. I closed the window and logged out and never went back to that e-mail address. I was the one that was hurting. I didn’t understand why I should apologize. I was scared to return to school that fall. I was okay. Until I saw my best friend since fourth grade with my other close friend. I was hurting, so much. When I got home I cried. I did make some new friends, but I still missed my ‘sister’. After over hearing my other close friend talking bad about my best friend since fourth grade multiple times I had had enough. I didn’t want to be her friend ever again. A little over half way through the school year I tried to contact my best friend. I got on my old e-mail and sent her a message say that I wanted my sister back. I had a class with her, but I was still afraid to talk to her. Finally in third trimester we were back to began the best of friends. A part of me was missing when we weren’t friends, but now it’s back and I never wanted to loss touch with her ever again. She was no longer friends with ether of the others. My ex-best friend knows I hate her guts and won’t sit near to me. She because the kind of person that I hate and want nothing to do with. I a now a senior in high school and still have my best friend since fourth grade, plus a friend I made last year that is so much like me it’s scary. Through all my bulling I had my best friend. I almost spent a year without her as a friend. That was the most painful time of my life.
Three girls recreated the Mean Girls, one my best friend. The prank called me and my two friends every night at least three times, gossiped, turned the whole class against us, caused my friend to cut, texted me horrible things, attacked us on facebook, and made me cry everynight. This went on for four months. We came through it, and they were going to get expelled, but we told the principal to let them graduate. They never apologized, but we forgave them. This was last year. My two friends are healing from depression, and I have moved on and have never been happier in highschool.
Something in a away similar is happening to me…Girls call me a slut and say i am worthless. My friends used to admire me for my great advice when someone would say something mean about them, but a few months ago I lost any chance of me listening to myself. They broke down my wall that surrounded me and I believed them. They would call me fat and so I would starve myself. Not only until recently did my mom find out and she wanted to help. In fact, not to long ago, I found not only a note in my locker saying how ugly and pathetic I was, but a picture to go along with it. They had taken a picture of me that we had for an art project and drew devil horns and made me look fat and ugly. To top it of, they drew a big “LOSER” at the top. I am going through a very hard part of my life, and when I got home, I cried. I cursed myself for being who I was and I felt the need to punish myself. I was so blind with hate towards myself that I grabbed a handful of screws and cut the words “failure” and “ugly” multiple times into my wrists and ankles. For some reason, I let those girls get the best of me, and it went to far. The girls next day shoved me against a wall and when I got home, I carved another word into myself: Unwanted. Everytime that they do that to me, I do something to myself and I don’t know how to stop.Wow, that felt good to get out. Any advice would be very much appreciated!
Maya, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE STOP HURTING YOURSELF! You are not fat, you are not pathetic or ugly, and you are not a loser. Those girls are NOT your friends, because a friend would NEVER do something that terrible. You need to tell someone, first your parents and then the school. Those girls need to be expelled for what they have said and done to you. Just promise me you will put the screws away.
In fifth grade I got called pimple face. I know it doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but I was the “new girl” and all I wanted was to be accepted by someone who was my so called friend. She was popular, atheletic….but I should’ve realized she wasn’t the nicest person in the school. She is the reason why I started wearing make-up. I thought that you know she’d accept me if you couldn’t see my blemishes. I became basically obsessive with how I looked. I wouldn’t leave my house with out wearing any foundation and the sad thing is I was only 11 years old. I always felt like crap. Then going into middle school next year was even more tough. I would put myself down by thinking in my head Megan, you’re an idiot and you’re stupid. I thought if I did that then maybe I wouldn’t be dumb or stupid. I compared myself to the mean girls in school, compared my clothes my face and well popularity. I always thought that they were prettier than me but the truth is…..everyone is beautiful and nobody should make you feel less about yourself.